The Diary of a Young Girl !!

From the epitome of love to the eternal silence, she knew her destiny. Being a women in today’s world isn’t easy;  from the family keeper to adjoining the broken parts of her heart and soul, she grew up ! What kept her going ? The hope of a world which was beyond her reach. The blithe disappeared into woods and she disappeared into sorrow. This is her story, and the story of the enchanted woods that have been waiting for her to break a set of terrible spells.  She created a world  that sits on the borders of  humanity, love and enchantment; a world full of sprinting tress, a world which glows with the glow of moon; a world which remarked the journey of a women: from a daughter to a wife to a woman !!  That day the world cried , the woods enchanted for her, morning gave way to night, but she waved herself to her origin….


An Illusion!!


Life is nothing but an illusion….. You all will be wondering why i said this! Have you heard about that episode where a bunch of people went to a forest and said unpleasant words to trees, and with time passes by trees began to fall and the land became barren. Something like this is exactly happening to some of us. And so you began to fall apart. I’m neither a philosopher nor a poet. I’m a person who finds difficulty in handling day-to-day problems and also tired of fighting battles with my own self. My content is not as good as other’s but then it’s ok because I feel difficult to put my feelings, aggression, frustration into words. I never spoke about my problems to anyone; and everyone thought I live a very peaceful life. 


It is was 2nd of college and exams were scheduled. A night before my exam I had a argument with one of my family member and it was just once but has happened countless times; and every time I faced this I felt alone. And all I could remember was my mom. I have always craved for her and her love. Post her death to till date I have been the tree who slowly dies at the hands of other people. I couldn’t speak what I went through and I’m still not. There is a lot more to say but I ran out of words. My emotions are more powerful than my words. They become stubborn when I try to put them in words. I don’t know why am I penning down but i won’t to cry out loud….

“Anybody who’s ever gone through a hard time – any outsider’s perception, no matter how much information they’re given, they have no idea what the person’s life is like.”

              Life is nothing but an illusion,

               There is smog and not rainbows;

                  a glimpse of star in the night 

                is a gift to those saddened eyes.

              It is not fairytale but a reality;

                       an illusion of beauty,             

              Laying its hand over the humans…

                                                                                                                   ~Himanshi Kothari

The Dolorous Heart….



She sat like patience on a monument, smiling at grief!   

Universe played  its conspiracy. Love happened to her but she couldn’t enjoy it. The tragedy was she knew how to love, she knew when to leave; but she didn’t knew how to leave. She became philophobic .  The sweetness of love was matched by the bitter aftertaste left by a hreatbreak. Rain today and rain in the self. She was down in the mouth. She didn’t knew how to giveaway. AND, thus she locked herself in darkness of shallow nights and returned  to the imprisonment.


I ‘m in love ‘th  him,

‘th all my breath and strength

I surrendered my heart to him

And in a myth;

I called him mine,

but reality bites

as it came to my senses, 

I don’t belong to you

and I’m left alone with all this heartaches

I’m wretched,

Whatever the reason for me to feel this way

one thing i know, this strange feeling grows stronger everyday

All this time i have been praying

for you to see and  look at me as a lady

a few might have a clue

But they can’t guess the sleepless nights

nor count the tears i have cried.

and for once let me say this, 

i love you…..

The ultimate checklist for a happy mind!!

Very few things in life are sustained. Pretty much everything both inside and outside of ourselves, goes through periods of high stress and activity and moments of calm. 

Life is unpredictable. Life does not work according to you. There are certain moments in life that makes you shiver when it hits your mind….. now the question is how to face them? I have certain things which helped me ….. 

  1. Learn to differentiate between past, present and future. The practice of paying more attention to the present moment is called being mindful.
  2. Divert your mind to the things which gives you joy, peace and relaxation. Such things tend to release hormones which makes you feel better.
  3. Try to remember happy moments which gives you joy, it ultimately helps you forget the bad dreams.
  4. Speak to people, make new friends, read books, they‘ll help you in dealing with such omens.
  5. Talk to yourself. I know it sounds funny but it helps you realise positive hormones which gives you inner peace. Talking to yourself  makes you less frustrated and gives a new hope, positivity and determination to fight back.
  6. Consider what you have learnt from the event. Yes its true!!  Every bad event teaches you something. It might take long time to realise this if its fresh, but when you look back, you have gained some worth life living lessons.
  7. Keep yourself busy. Organise yourself. Engage yourself into some works it keeps your mind busy and there are less chances of colliding with bad memories.
  8. Avoid alcohol or drugs. Using mind-altering substances can make things worse, especially if the bad memory has left you felling depressed or anxious. Alcohol can increase depression, irritability, and anxiety, in people who have already been experiencing these symptoms.
  9. Talk to somebody about it. Speak to a friend or a family person who is not related to that incident, it will give you fresh perspective  that you need. If you are not comfortable sharing with anybody else, then pin it down in a personal journal and keep that in a safe place.
  10. Opt for meditation. Meditation gives you deep rest. It helps us meet life’s ups and downs with confidence and resourcefulness. Importantly it gives you resilience so that we can not only  remain unshaken by storms of emotions that come in everyone’s lives, but also get back on track sooner. Meditation is the biggest grief-counsellor. Ever.

Every Single Minute!!

What if you are happy and suddenly something worse happens and you feel like dying? The feeling is inexorable. I have always thought of myself as a strong, independent women; but when I suffer from such fates I realise I’m broken. I need a person who could lend a hand of help, whom i can depend on. Sometimes being weak is not bad, and it is not in your hand; we are besieged by the destiny. Today  sitting in the corner of my room, I again met with my fate, i.e., suicide. I don’t know how to get rid of such thoughts. Writing is what I have learnt till now. I feel that sometimes humans proof better friends than books as books can’t share anything though they never demand and expect. I have always been in a dilemma whether trust people or not. But we humans need humans to share. Today when I thought of ending my life, I realised it’s not my end yet and I was scrounging for the one who I love though he is not aware of it. I  feel depressed and I’m unable to put it in words how vulnerable I’m feeling. I wish that person could somehow get my message and he puts his hand on my hand……

The Anatomy of Depression that gets Appalling

17 March 2018




Am i really supposed to tell people what Depression is. Why does society can’t accept the fact that Depression is really a serious problem, how Important it is to talk about it. Depression makes a person hollow from inside. But first let us know what depression really is! Is it just a chemical formula or there is something more to it?

Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home. I’m a depression patient and honestly it is very difficult for you to cope up and to explain this to the society. Its been four or more I guess that I’m suffering from depression. It lead me to commit suicide not just once but many times. It made me doubt my own intuitions and beliefs. I felt miserable at times. I’m under the treatment. But what actually caused me face depression is that the kind of love and affection I needed was not given, not saying that nobody loves me but certainly there are different perspectives. Being grown up under a single parent, i now know how difficult life becomes without parents. I was seven years old when my mom was heavenly abort. She was suffering from cancer , and there were no proper treatment for it. Being the youngest sibling, I was always told of not doing things that my elder siblings did. The loss of mom was the nightmare that I still see and gets scared. I’m the most pampered kid to my dad. But eventually as time passed by, the loss became  fervid. I was in class 11th when I realised that I’m suffering from depression. I told my family but they ignored. With the coming years, it turned into severe depression causing me to commit suicide at the age of 16. I am an introvert. I can’t talk much or become social. I need my own space. I have been the caretaker of my family after the death of mom. So I never told anyone what I feel or even cried because i miss mom. I never did!! That’s what made me a person I’m today.

But now i have been diagnosed with severe depression, and I’m still vulnerable. Eventually  with the time, I have learnt to deal with depression ( the irony is I find difficult sometimes to deal, actually most of the time 😛 ). I have started writing, reading and I’m also taking counselling. And I felt the need of coming up and talk openly about depression. Its not something to hide, in fact, it is need to talk about this. Don’t feel ashamed. Let’s talk about it more often; somebody might get a hope because of us…. I have always been to grateful to two of my best friends and my dad of course, he had definitely given some of the best advices to live life cheerfully. I always get influence by people very easily, which ultimately leads me to anxiety. We humans expect to much from loved ones and hopes for things which are not in our hands. It is one of the major cause of anxiety in my opinion, thats because i have experienced. Even now when i feel suicidal , it becomes inevitable to escape from the thought of suicide. And i still don’t know how to face it… 

Depression has completely take over my mind and each of my body part. I’m always confused, scrounging for peace. I’m living a very  isolated existence. But this morning turned out to be a different from my other mornings, all thanks to you people.